Ben And Jerry are Worse Than Hitler: A Space Odyssey

Ben and Jerry are Worse Than Hitler: A Space Odyssey

            For decades the most turbulent time of human history has also been the most obscure. Of course I am referring to the time before the Great Exodus of 2173 in the Common Era (year 0 in the Current Standard), to the end of the First Exodus centuries later. Any historical information has always been what we brought with us after leaving Earth, or accounts of other species we encountered in our times spent wandering the stars. However, since the greatest archaeological find of the age, the recent re-discovery of our abandoned home planet Earth, much new information about the time has surfaced. The following is a brief summary and compilation of new information and several newly discovered primary sources relating to the most mysterious chapter of our history. This is the first accurate account of the decline of society on Earth to be uncovered since the Exodus, a final answer to the long asked question of why we left our ancestral planet.

***

            By the year 2020 CE the world’s economy had already become irreparably 100% ice cream based, and nobody could tell. It was decades before the cleverest of number-crunchers were able to see the connection between the spiraling economy and the tasty frozen treat. It took them longer to see that the more people were afraid for society, the more ice-cream they would eat to feel better about things. For example, when the stock market was doing well and the economy was better, people would buy ice cream to celebrate their unexpected fortune. When the economy eventually worsened, the same people would stock their freezers with frozen comfort-food.

The ratio of natural disasters to ice cream sales was the first to be unearthed, showing how a tornado in Kansas could cause people in Canada to stock up on half-pints, or how earthquakes generated the desire for the cold treat that could register like an economic Richter scale (all the ice cream sold during these earthquakes would then fall from their cones due to the shaking, causing a secondary burst in sales).

From there our reliance on the treat continued to take hold. It used to be that if you were hot you would have an ice cream, which then progressed to having an ice cream when you’d had a bad day for the comfort of it. The trend of personal disasters to ice cream consumption closely followed (some experts theorize that it may have pre-dated) the natural disaster trend. A bad date merited a one-scoop remedy. Getting yelled at by your boss justified a three-scoop solution. The death of a pet would get you up into the pints, two or three depending on how little you had to pick up after them. Even from then it escalated further: a stubbed toe would merit a freeze-pop and a lost argument or bruised ego would demand several servings of cold dairy. This ice cream obsession was mostly harmless to a point; that is until the summer of 2026, when a Michigan resident Michael M. Thorpe returned home after a tough day at the office and died two hours later. Police originally mistook his death for a suicide after a page of his journal was discovered in the freezer. It read:

June 22nd, 2026

            Marlene left me this morning. I asked her why, but she didn’t seem to want to answer. She just kept shrugging me off, and finally I had to go to work. Before I left, I begged her to think it over and talk about it when I got home. God, I hope she’s there when I get home. At least the ice cream truck has been coming around our street more often. I remember as a kid how those fucking things were never near when you wanted them, I mean I had to chase it down the street growing up, but now it always seems to be driving really slowly past our house. When I hear that tune and see Marlene’s face light up after a fight it always used to give me hope for us. It made me think that we were happy together sharing this thing we loved with the people we loved. Maybe on the way home from work I’ll pick us up a few pints and we can talk about us over them. Hopefully I can look back and remember today as a silly memory. God, please let her be there.

***

            She was there. That bitch was there all right; what’s more now I know why the ice cream truck always goes so slowly by our house. I walked in on Marlene and the Ice-cream truck driver in bed together. I lost it with them. I was yelling, I think I broke a lamp. I just wanted them out of the house. I chased the two of them out and they got into the truck, driving away with that fucking jingle playing and me chasing after them. Now I’m home alone, and I’m going to eat all the ice cream in the house. If Marlene and I can’t make up, I’d at least like to give ice cream the chance to apologize…

The freezer was completely empty when the police found the diary. The autopsy report confirmed that Michael M. Thorpe’s official cause of death was what experts of the day considered to be the worst brainfreeze in human history. Ironically the un-future Marlene Thorpe was hospitalized several days later for excessive ice-cream consumption, as the death of a loved one was usually dealt with by eating three gallons of cookie-dough ice cream.

In fact, those wishing to witness firsthand the decline of society need only peruse the Kenmore catalogues of the early 21st century. The earliest refrigerator units were primarily meant for storing perishables below room-temperature to keep them fresh for longer. They had a smaller freezer compartment that was secondary, for the storage of frozen foods and ice cubes and the like. By the turn of the century, the catalogue featured freezer units that were nearly double their original size. By the 2020’s when the trend became tangible, the average refrigerator unit was 75% freezer. Yet still the problem remained under the skin of society, never being formally recognized. Many historians believe that it was simply because it hadn’t become a problem yet. Others wondered perhaps if it was just being ignored– or as some suggested– covered up.

In fact many unexpected benefits to the increased ice cream reliance were pointed out over the years. One study had shown that people on average were more fit than their turn-of-the-century counterparts, as the increased ice cream consumption resulted in more exercise from the guilt of eating a whole gallon of Hood Extra Creamy. Another one showed that depression was in rapid decline, for obvious reasons, and another still pointed out that osteoporosis was nearly non-existent in women who were post-menopausal, thanks to a high-calcium diet.

Nature slowly began to take its course from there. Nobody really noticed when the lactose-intolerant population died out over the next decade or so, known today as the Optional Extinction (due to the fact that the lactose-intolerant population would still be with us today had they just refrained from eating dairy. In that time however, to suggest to someone that they eat a steak for dinner without a bowl of ice-cream to chase it down would be utter madness). Fate was kinder to the vegans, who simply reverted to societal dietary norms after finally agreeing that sherbet was a very poor substitute for the genuine article. Ice cream manufacturers became the next financial giants, their CEO’s the new generation’s rock stars. The success of the ice cream business brought many American dairies back from the brink of bankruptcy, with the result that there were more American dairies then ever before, which could compete with the prices of slash-and-burn farmers in Brazil (eventually bringing about the end of the process as it was no longer a viable strategy). The destruction of the world’s rainforests seemed to halve almost overnight.

Yes, to the people of that era it seemed that there was no end to their good fortune.  They even took Global Warming in stride, thinking fondly that it was ice-cream weather more often. Unfortunately that was before they realized that they were enjoying the benefits of another limited resource, just like the oil-dependence that they had finally shaken monumentally in 2034. It wasn’t until Breyer’s had gone under in 2042 that people caught wind of their new problem. The problem being that ice cream production had finally fallen behind ice-cream consumption, resulting in periodic ice cream availability and mass spending during these times of availability. It was in fact, Breyer’s bankruptcy that alerted the world to the problem after losing so many customers turning to other manufacturers while waiting for the next batch. Suddenly ice cream manufacturers were having their entire inventory bought up within the span of several days, as people hoarded gallons of Rocky Road, Neapolitan, and even Pistachio to prepare for the leaner months. Socially, this resulted in lower morale during the months between ice-cream circulations. Managers were shorter with their employees, spouses argued more often, friendships were often torn apart and only tentatively repaired once the dairy-drought ended, beginning the cycle afresh.  From a business standpoint, it was a nightmare. In the ice cream business, competition was at its fiercest, with rival companies working day and night to quicken their availability margins to release their product first, or else losing their customers to whoever beat them to the punch. In the most desperate years of this struggle, they could have worked through a tentative truce to coordinate their product releases such that the general public wouldn’t have to suffer through these droughts, and the almost utopian societies they had helped create would continue, if crippled. Instead their competition became all the fiercer.

Hood was the first to turn to corporate espionage as a solution. They began to gather the timetables of their competitors’ schedules and progress to gain an edge over them, even resorting to freezer sabotage in some desperate cases, causing several tons of product to be lost in a single “accident”. Several other smaller ice cream manufacturers went out of business in this way, and none of it came to light until a corporate mole was killed by a security guard in “self-defense” at Ben & Jerry’s HQ in Vermont. The resulting trial was hailed by newspapers and websites as the trial of the century. The headlines rang with a mixture of idealist outcry (DO THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE CREAMS?) and concern for the invaluable industry (PANIC OVER B&J’S ‘ROCKY ROAD’) Coverage of the trial was broadcast on every major news network, it was seen by an estimated 60% of the whole world’s population. Most of the world seemed to be on the side of the corporation however, and seemed hell-bent on seeing them literally get away with murder. The district attorney for the city of Waterbury Vermont, Melvin Scoops was under strict pressures to drop all charges and accept the company’s claim of self-defense, but he ignored them for what he said were “personal reasons”, instead facing off against Ben and Jerry’s formidable legal team alone. The following excerpt from the transcript of the trial shows the cross examination of the defendant and only witness for the case:

  1. SCOOPS: Could you please describe the incident that took place on November 17th, 2048?

DEFENDANT: Umm… I was working late at the corporate offices. Night shift. I caught the victim routing through some of the confidential files, so I shot him.

  1. SCOOPS: You shot him?

DEFENDANT: Yessir.

  1. SCOOPS: You shot him for looking through a file cabinet?

DEFFENDANT: Well it was the timetables I think. Very important. My boss says there’d been security leaks for months and whoever got the guy that was doing it would get a massive bonus.

  1. SCOOPS: Is that the only reason you shot him?

DEFFENDANT: Well, yeah, no he attacked me. Looked up from the file cabinet and just went mad. Had to do it, it was self-defense.

  1. SCOOPS: Why didn’t you mention that he attacked you first?

DEFFENDANT: Sir?

  1. SCOOPS: When I asked you why you shot the victim, why didn’t you say it was self-defense first before telling me the documents he was attempting to steal?
  2. LANGSTON (DEFENSE): Objection! Leading.

JUDGE: Sustained, please re-phrase your question councilor.

  1. SCOOPS: Why wasn’t the answer to your question—
  2. LANGSTON: Objection, leading.

JUDGE: Sustained.

  1. SCOOPS: Why do you think the victim attacked you?
  2. LANGSTON: Objection, speculative.

JUDGE: Sustained.

  1. SCOOPS: You didn’t say self-defense straight away because you forgot, didn’t you? You forgot that—
  2. LANGSTON: Objection!
  3. SCOOPS:– that was what you were told to say! There wasn’t an attack, just you seeing a man going through confidential documents when—
  4. LANGSTON: Your honor, OBJECTION!

JUDGE: Sustained!

  1. SCOOPS:– you shot him in cold blood. Probably because you were ordered by the Ben and Jerry’s Corporation to use lethal force to protect company secrets!
  2. LANGSTON: Objection! Objection! Accusatory, speculative, leading, just ridiculous!

JUDGE: Councilman Scoops, I’m holding you in contempt of court. Bailif!

DEFENDANT: Well that was lucky; I could really go for a pint.

[Transcript ends.]

After the trial, Scoops found himself under scrutiny when a substantial check from Dairy Queen’s CFO was discovered in his pocket when taken in by the bailiff. The defendant though, was found not guilty for the charge of murder, as the prosecution failed to provide any proof that it wasn’t self-defense and also to find a link between the incident and any orders from Ben and Jerry’s Security Department. That was the day the world realized that the ice cream industry could literally get away with murder. While the corporate mole was never officially linked to Hood, his death nevertheless sparked one of the most brutal conflicts on American soil since the days of Al Capone.

Governments worldwide were put in a very difficult position. Briefly there was a party established for the abolition of ice cream manufacturers in an attempt to stop the violence, but they did not last long due to a crippling social backlash against them. No, the government couldn’t outlaw ice cream any more than they could outlaw breathing, yet they were hard-pressed to find a way to halt the hostilities.

Belgium was the only country to attempt to seize all privately controlled ice cream manufacturers, transferring their control to the government. This move only caused civil unrest and paranoia among the Belgians. After a week-long riot against the new policy, the Prime Minister resigned in a fit of exasperation which effectively shut down the government. Throughout the world similar situations arose. Some were met by excessive force to try and hold ice-cream manufacturers accountable, while in other parts of the world the corporations were given free reign. It wasn’t long before the rivalries between corporations began to traverse national borders, sometimes even provoking a military response. Suddenly Europe and Asia were dotted with skirmishes over border disputes. The ice-cream industry seemed emboldened by their newfound influence over the world’s political climate, and in many cases seemed to orchestrate operations specifically to provoke a military response.  Yes, by the late 21st century, the first ingredients for World War III had begun to churn.

The volatile rivalry between Hood and Ben & Jerry’s continued to rage on the American front, already resulting in more civilian casualties than all of the Prohibition-era violence and Mexican drug cartels combined, while the rest of the world’s frosty political climate edged closer and closer to all-out war. The two most successful industries of the day were arms dealers and ice cream manufacturers, as the closer to total war the world got, the more of one product or the other people bought. This actually led to a business merger that was perhaps inevitable, and changed the face of the world.

Fortunately, once the hostilities began, their reliance on farmland as a resource kept any nation from going nuclear, as the radiation could potentially wipe out the very thing they fought for. When it did finally break out however, soldiers were sent into battle with automatic weapons, refrigerated backpacks, bayonets that could double as whisks for a quick milkshake, and cow-patterned camo uniforms. For the first time in over a century nations found themselves locked in trench warfare, fighting desperately to gain ground to use to raise cows on. Suffice it to say that the soldiers weren’t the only ones making a killing.

The world was more or less a free-for-all, with alliances forming and dissolving within months in the seemingly never-ending struggle. The worst in humanity could be seen in evidence in those years, with fascist governments taking control of war-torn nations with promises of Scribblers’ and the general populations secretly awed and terrified by what they would do for a Klondike bar. Russia was overrun and divided up in the early years of the war after a relatively brief struggle on multiple fronts. Various Asian nations such as China and Mongolia took control of the eastern portion, while Germany took all the land west of Stalingrad. The Middle-East, due to its poor dairy conditions, was for once in its history, left completely alone while African warlords continued to order atrocities wondering if they really needed a reason to.

The United States was finally prompted to enter the war when the Haagen-Dazs Swedish Republic deployed submarines to attack the Canadian ice-cream reserves. They were quickly trampled, caught off guard by the ferocity of the war and weakened by the increasingly Machiavellian practices of the local ice-cream manufacturers. Naturally the control of the east coast of both the US and Canada fell to the Ben & Jerry’s corporation, who already controlled the country’s arms supply and had long considered the government more of a hindrance, after they were quickly able to rally the remaining American military forces in the area combined with their own shrewd generals to push out the Swedish invaders, who were pushed back into the Midwest where they took control.

From there, the power-mad Ben & Jerry’s corporation set up the world’s first privately owned ice-cream based police-state, walling themselves off from the battles and the war around them. The people still inside their control when the walls went up were given jobs either raising cattle or packaging pints of ice-cream in the packaging plants for little more than slave’s wages. Any person trapped in the B&J’s territory with any work experience outside of the production of ice-cream had their livelihood taken over by the new regime. Doctors worked for free to keep the workers healthy, sewage technicians did what they did as quietly as possible as not to put off the appetites of the people, and food production (aside from ice cream) was heavily enforced, making sure people stayed in fit working condition and keeping them looking forward to desert.  All other obsolete jobs such as lawyers or artists were conscripted into service in the factories. Each factory was run like a separate community, each one self-contained like a cell. Communication outside of the factory-cells was completely prohibited, but messages were scribbled onto the underside of the container lids at the packaging plants. These messages had to be concise to fit on the lids, messages like “Tell Ann that Nan is fine- Russ” or “please please please please get me out of here” would make it to the outside world in the random hope that the person it was intended for would receive it. As time went on the messages became less optimistic in nature, the most famous example if this point being “finger caught in gear last week; sundae, bloody sundae.” For many years these ‘pint-o-grams’ (as they were known) were the only accounts of what life was like inside the walls.

Using the profits they made from exporting their product to countries that couldn’t afford it, the Ben & Jerry’s North American Territory slowly began to expand, toppling governments that had bankrupted themselves through the war and buying up warehouses of Phish Phood and Half Baked, and absorbing them into themselves. Ben & Jerry’s steam-rolled the Haagen-Dazs Republic of the Mid-Atlantic and the People’s Hood Democratic Republic of Southern California, taking control of all of North America and showing no signs of stopping.

By the time the rest of the world saw that the Ben & Jerry’s Continental Confectocracy would stop at nothing short of absolute world domination, it was nearly too late. They’d taken control of all of North, Central, and South America and had troops moving in Greenland ready to stage a European invasion. The First European Alliance was formed in the early second decade of the war in a last-ditch attempt to stem the tide of Ben & Jerry’s forces, and Norway to Spain were fortified against the coming invasion. The wall set up by the Alliance was nearly impenetrable as wave after wave of Ben & Jerry’s soldiers were slaughtered on beaches lining the Atlantic. The two superpowers appeared to be at a stalemate, Ben & Jerry’s putting more resources into its military than its ice-cream production, while tensions between the members of the Alliance were constantly at the point of breaking.

There’s an anecdote from this stalemate period of the war that tells of a soldier who grew up on a farm what was once the Midwest, now being forced to fight for the Confectocracy, as he sails for the beaches while watching his fellow soldiers landing before him get slaughtered in droves. This soldier, as the story goes, turns to his sergeant and asks probably the last question he would ever ask; “You ever seen a woodpecker with no beak?” The boat then landed and everyone was ripped to shreds by gunfire. This anecdote however, has no historical basis and was likely contrived after the fact. Interestingly enough, the same story was often told with the soldier being an Alliance soldier standing on the wall, asking that question to his sergeant before being hit by a stray round. As previously stated, there is no historical basis for this story, and its ambiguity means it was most likely made up to make a point, but it does serve to illustrate the mood of the people who are responsible for spreading it, which given its survival to the present day, must have been some kind of majority.

The Ben & Jerry’s Continental Confectocracy suddenly caught a break on November 23rd, 2077, when it was able to infiltrate the Alliance Headquarters in London, having its agents buy over the dictator of Great Britain into withdrawing her troops from the barrier in exchange for having a flavor named after her. The New Ben & Jerry’s Inter-continental Confectocracy (the NBJIC) spread like wildfire from there, doubling both its military might and ice-cream production to the point of bringing the remains of the Alliance to its knees. Ben & Jerry’s remains to this day, responsible for more innocent deaths than every armed conflict in world history—between their ruthless militarization and world domination, to their public experimentations of the “bitter-almond” flavor of ice cream dubbed ‘Death is Too Good for Dissidents (but Not By Much)’ that they force-fed protesters to keep the people in check–, and it would have gone on had the cows not had their say.

Nobody knows if it was through a conscious and spiteful effort on their part, or whether they just simply couldn’t maintain their population with the rates at which their milk was being harvested, but slowly and surely the cream content of the milk, that was so essential for the production of ice cream was dwindling. Milk would continue to be produced; it would still be eaten on cereal, used in baking and cooking, and still drunk, but the cream would no longer separate. Thus the ice-cream industry and the long-neglected cheese industry began to lose their hold on the world. Of course they wouldn’t go quietly. The leading scientists of the day projected that all ice-cream-quality cow product would have dried up before the new century, and the news shocked the general public into an uprising.

The NBJIC went to new levels of cruelty to quell the rebellion and hold onto their rapidly dwindling source of power. Worst of all, in the minds of their citizens, they imposed an ice-cream ration that heavily favored high-ranking government officials over the common people, for whom almost none was left. The people responded by attempting to form rebel-states within the NBJIC to overthrow them, but so many of them arose that they were often competing with each other more often than the increasingly reclusive world power. One such rebel state calling themselves the United People for the Ethical Distribution of Dairy even went as far as printing and distributing its own revolutionary newspaper. The UPEDD World was distributed widely throughout the world towards the end of the NBJIC’s reign, often calling outright for the destruction and vandalism of state property, reporting a victory every time a statue of the first Supreme Lord Dictators Cohen and Greenfield was torn from its pedestal. After several years of this, the entire UPEDD World editorial staff was taken into custody after running a story revealing the average weekly ice-cream consumption of the average state employee, during which their security was compromised. Their trial was pre-ordained, and only lasted 12 minutes for them all to be sentenced to death. The judge banged his ceremonial ice-cream scoop on the bench and the sentence was carried out immediately. Each and every one of them was forced to eat sherbet until their body temperatures plummeted and they froze to death. All other rebel factions disbanded overnight out of fear of sharing the UPEDD’s fate.

It was these last years of the 21st century that many historians now call ‘the darkest hour for humanity’. The hold of the state grew tighter and tighter as the ice-cream supply dwindled. All attempts to genetically engineer cows that could produce cream had met with failure, and it was finally abandoned when the NBJIC finally toppled in 2108.

Despite the world’s first taste of coinciding freedom and peace in over 40 years, the general climate was one of despair, as the very thing the people owed their enslavement to had become such a crucial part of their very survival. With the world’s dwindling supply of ice-cream, many people simply couldn’t see the point in living and curled up to die without anything being physically wrong with them. The world population began to decline at such a rate without the essential dessert that for the first time in human history we as a species were staring down the barrel of extinction. It may have ended there were it not for the random musings of a desperate, slightly intoxicated statistician, who had read of the ancient days when one could “drive down the street for an ice cream run”. She theorized that in the universe’s infinite vastness that life outside our solar system was less than a percent chance and more of an absolute certainty. What’s more, the odds of another species existing that had developed frozen dessert technology must also be quite high. What remained was the other ancient question of a bygone era; “Who here is good to drive? I really wanna go get ice cream.”

From then on, the remains of humanity were driven with a singular purpose. The greatest minds of the former nations of the Earth came together to organize the biggest exodus in world history. Generations toiled trying to build spaceships that could house thousands and still break out of the Earth’s atmosphere. It was the most ambitious undertaking in human history and took roughly another six decades for the plan to come to fruition, but on January 1st in the year 2173 humanity left the planet leaving our greatest accomplishments and worst regrets behind them, as the cows smugly grazed and shat all over them.

A century passed as humanity sailed to the next-nearest solar system in search of a new source of something they now only knew from the whispered stories of their great-grandparents. Contact with various and exotic forms of life was made over the years, yet mankind turned their backs on them all after it was determined that there was no ice-cream on their planets. Then wearily, mankind would leave for another century long flight to the next nearest solar system to begin the search anew. A ship once hovered around a planet whose dominant species was still in its developmental phase, waiting till they were advanced enough to answer our demands for ice-cream. We even helped them develop fire and primitive farming tools to try and influence them towards a dairy culture. Even in the modern day the Zoozooth people of Kakrafoon pass on their myths about the tired sky-gods that gave them milking machines and a lot of buckets only to leave when it was ascertained that they had no cow-like creatures to milk. Those items are now considered holy relics to the Zoozooth people.

All count of time had been lost when a single ship finally activated its beacon to the others; a sign that their long trek was at an end. Hundreds huddled in the artificial daylight of the ship’s bridge, around the flashing light on their control consoles in frightened awe. Many recordings were made of this monumental moment in history, the end of the great exodus. On many ships there was cheering and crying and great celebration. On one ship an elderly man who was the last living descendant of Ben Cohen gave an impassioned speech saying:

Brothers and sisters of Exploration S96/B [Editor’s note: the ship’s ID number]! Mothers, daughters, fathers, sons! Our long wait, our journey, is at an end! A new journey begins; a journey to the land where the truth can be found! [Editor’s note: in this time, the word ‘ice-cream’ was often referred to as ‘truth’.] Eons ago, our great forefathers’ prophesized just such a time as the children of the Old Great Earth would one day taste truth once more! Now that day is upon us, so let us be worthy of the Promised Land!

As the legend tells, we retreated to the stars when the truth was lost to us. We gave up our homes when they became dark with falsehoods, by the almighty hand of the Bennangeries we’ve searched and scoured the universe for the light of that truth.  Now, in this time we will be tested for our worthiness to receive this truth. Let us not forget the ancient wisdom of our forbearers; for ‘lo! They passed such ancient knowledge unto us! Return to classics! Made like no other! What would you do? So good it’s ridqulous! I scream! You scream! We all scream!!

The speech was met with massive applause from the masses. A slightly less dramatic recording survives from another ship, simply consisting of the captain’s voice over the intercom system saying; “Fellas, we’re turning around.” Humanity as a whole dropped whatever it was in the universe that they were doing to converge on a single mid-sized bluish-green planet in a relatively small solar system. The planet was in complete chilly desolation, they found as the ships landed on every continent. They searched high and low for the ship that had sounded the beacon to the other ships, which could only be activated by a cream-sample recognized by the ship’s computer. It wasn’t long before one of the ships made contact with a small civilization descended from the crew of that ship as they huddled for warmth around a communal bonfire. It took several years to overcome the language gap that had resulted from their generations of separation, but eventually mankind gathered in one corner of the world again to hear of the giant bovine creatures which ruled this world.

“They wandered the entire planet once,” Their elder began on a cold night, with the rest of humanity listening from their ships, “through the ruins of a once-great people who died out eons before. We hunted them for survival when our ancestors left their ship. We eventually remembered the lessons passed down from our people, and built fences to keep them in. The bovine creatures were so large that no fence we could build could hold them for long however, so we were forced to hunt them for our needs. They produced such vast quantities of cream, and our people became the first in almost a thousand years to taste the truth. Brothers, you cannot imagine the richness; the flavor! It truly melts in one’s mouth until such great ecstasy lead to physical pain in one’s head from the joy of it. Life was good. The hunting of the beasts felt right, this was how we were supposed to live. The churning of the cream was also right; this was how we were meant to live. Or so we thought. Please forgive us,” The elder then prostrated himself on the ground before the rest of humanity, “please you must forgive us. We weren’t to know… we weren’t to know…” They listened to these most humble of apologies from the small civilization descended from the first ship to touch down, for hunting and harvesting the majestic bovine miracle creatures to the point of extinction.

Humanity had just experienced its longest period of uninterrupted peace in its history, without a shot fired or a blow landed in centuries. Hardly a harsh word had passed from one man to another in this time when all were united in a common struggle. They chose to end all of that that day. They all marched back to their ships and retreated to the atmosphere, and ended it with a bang that destroyed that first civilization as the rest of humanity unwittingly left Earth for the second time.

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