Cookie Break

We’re taking a break from D&D this week because I need to remind potential employers that I write about other stuff. That’s a joke. Not really. But really. Wink.

So what is there to talk about out here in the real world when all the sword and sorcery isn’t going on? What could beat talking about my brothers, sisters-in-law, and two randos (sorry Magnys and Maghana) fighting monsters? Two words.

Cookies.

What’s that? That’s not two words? Nevermind, don’t @ me, I’m here to tell you what’s what about cookies, as in, the greatest thing ever, as in, the snack food I’ve eaten like 5 of today.

Baking is something I am not especially good at but I find fun so I do it anyways. Last night the girlfriend and I decided to make an old favorite (you guessed it; cookies) but either through poor record keeping or an adventurous spirit, we never use the same recipe for anything twice. We get some interesting results that way. I think we’re lucky when it comes to food in general because our risotto has always come out good even when I add all the chicken broth at once instead of letting it absorb gradually, and we’ve always managed to figure out soup at her place even though she owns no pots. But that’s a story for a different time. Last night we used this recipe because after getting back from the store to get ingredients, we realized we had no baking soda and changed our plans accordingly.

This is another instance where luck comes in, because there was an expired thing of baking powder in the cupboard. How is that lucky? It’s expired! It’s lucky cause we used it anyways and we’re both still alive.

Now, my girlfriend is usually the brains behind the cookie operation whereas I’m the brawn because neither of us owns a mixer. However, I had sneezed approximately one thousand times yesterday due to allergies, and my at the time steadily leaking nose was something neither of us wanted on a slow drip into our cookie dough, so she took over the mixing and I handled moral support. Seriously, I haven’t checked, but I probably have six-pack abs now from all that sneezing. Probably.

She and I have differing mixing philosophies, I’ve noticed. While she will just stir the spoon through the proto-dough to cream the butter, I’ve always felt a more involved approach was necessary. I’m not trying to go after you at all, if you’re reading this, but I always felt my way is better fight me. Kidding. But seriously when I have just a wooden spoon to work with, I use the shape of the spoon to my advantage and, since the dough is sticky, I’ll try and mash it against the sides of the bowl with the flat of the spoon as I mix it so I’m not just moving it around in circles. Sure there’s a lot of scraping of dough off the sides of the bow necessary, but hey, that’s showbiz. Once I’d staunched the allergenic nose-flow, I did just that and thus the day was saved. I mean they probably would have turned out fine.

That brings me to my first point: Am I some kind of baking guru? Cookie expert? No to both. I am just someone with a blog who doesn’t work Fridays and I’ll be damned if I’ll let my lack of expertise keep me from sharing my wisdom with the world!

That said, I have to call out a famed celebrity baking judge right here. Paul Hollywood,

paul hollywood 2.gif

YOU NEEDED TO HEAR THIS

how dare you? Mary Berry also to some extent, and maybe even Prue Leith but honestly I know nothing about you and have only seen you in one season so far.

Now that I have all of your attention however, how dare all of you? You guys always maligning anything that comes out of the oven too chewy, too soft, “oondahbeked,” etc. Well what would you say if I told you that the rest of the goddamned cookie-eating world didn’t prefer bone-dry hard-tac with chocolate and “sultanas” (raisins in disguise that is!) covered in flour so you have to dip it in boiled leaf juice just so your mouth has the necessary moisture to process the lump of crumb-dust now sitting on your tongue!? Huh? What would you say to that!? That’s right Paul, some people like things better when they’re chewy, and the less baked the cookie, the better. That’s right! That’s why back in 1776 we decided as a newly formed nation to stop calling them biscuits and stand up for the cookies we all believed in!

That said, thank you for reading Paul, Mary, and kind of Prue, we love your show. But watch yourselves.

The point of this tangent was to prepare you all for the shocking revelation: Much of our cookie dough did not make it into the oven!

paul hollywood

YES WE KNOW PAUL

We ate it! We didn’t eat it all mind you, but, well, we only had two baking sheets and like hell were we going to do something simple like putting the rest of the dough onto the first sheet to come out of the oven.

In fairness to us, this was not a decision we made 100% out of laziness. For some weird reason, the recipe we were using told that after putting all the dough on the cookie sheet, we then had to stick the sheet into the fridge for an hour before throwing it into the oven! That meant, in order to cook that remaining half a batch worth of dough, we would’ve had to put the first two batches in the fridge for an hour, take them out, put them in the oven for 12-15 minutes, take them out, wait for the cookies to cool enough to remove them, then put the REST of the dough on one, put it back in the fridge for another freaking hour, and then put it in the stove also for 12-15 minutes.

I think you all, celebrity baking judges and the rest of my normie readers, can see we made the only sane choice.

Not that we for one second intended to have our cookies baking for the whole 15 minutes. That’s an eternity, and yes, Mr. Hollywood, we were trying to “oondahbek” our cookies! Does that shock you, sir? Well here’s something I failed to mention before: When my GF and I cook, we are loose cannons who walk away from explosions in slow-motion without looking back because badasses don’t look at explosions. Yes, we play fast and loose with the recipe, we add tortellini to soups, we modify, we overcome, we adapt, and

walking away from an explosion

This is how we bake.

we trust our immune systems to fight bacteria from raw egg in limited quantities.

There is an actual reason for this as well. Last time we made cookies using my GF’s preferred recipe, they came out all hard and crunchy. And we can all agree that crunchy, crumbly cookies are only slightly better than the 9th season of any TV show, which is the lowest point on the Whippie Universal Quality Scale (Exception: Doctor Who). So we decided to try trading those last two minutes and potentially our good health to get that desired gooey, chewy, half-baked texture we all know and love.

And it worked. 

Once our work was done we split the profits and I went home to collapse into a sneeze-induced coma, but you bet your ass I ate cookies for breakfast this morning and they were amazing. They were worth all the risks. They are gone now. She still has her half, so maybe it’s time I paid her another visit under the guise of spending time with her or something believable like that and score some more of those cookies.

Anyways, this has been a cookie break, I’ll be back with more nerd shit next week. Good night and good luck.

#cookiemonster2020, #actuallyfightmepaulhollywood

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